I used to have a girlfriend named Sarah who lived next door to me. Sarah was fun, quirky, and a little bit different. I adored her for her differences. She was very creative, she made me laugh, and she really had a good heart.
The crazy thing was, no one else in the neighborhood really liked her. She irritated them. And they couldn’t understand what I saw in her.
But the truth is… they just had different thoughts about her than I did. You see, your relationship with anybody boils down to your thoughts about them.
I had good thoughts about Sarah, and the other neighbors had far more critical thoughts of her because she didn’t live up to their expectations.
You see, most of us have a manual of rules and expectations on how we think others should act. That’s what happened in Sarah’s case; she didn’t meet the other neighbors’ expectations of how they thought she should behave.
Do you have a manual for other people in your life? Your husband, kids, mother, etc?
Most of us have these manuals and we don’t even realize it. We have manuals for others and we never even let them know what our expectations are. And then we get irritated when they don’t follow our manuals.
I will use the example of my 84 year old mother. I am embarrassed to admit that I have a manual for her. I expect my mother to be grateful for all the things I do for her. I feel like I should be able to go visit her without her always asking me to do something. I expect her to give me a small present on my birthday and at Christmas to express her gratitude. I end up getting irritated because she is not behaving the way I think she should. And yet, she has no clue what I expect because I have not shared my expectations (or manual) with her.
Remember, if someone is irritating you or making you angry, it is only because you are having irritating or angry thoughts about them. Thoughts create feelings.
And no one can hurt your feelings… Instead, you just happen to be thinking thoughts that hurt. Are those thoughts serving you?
Now, back to manuals… Manuals can damage relationships. We need to learn to discard our manuals and let the other person be who they are. Or at the very least, have an honest conversation with them about what is bothering you. Just be aware that you should never try to control another person. Control is never good in a relationship.
So notice who you have manuals for…
Learn to drop those manuals if it is causing friction in your relationship.
Because the truth is, your relationship with anyone, is tied to your thoughts about them.
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