Today is October 7th. This date was forever etched into my brain several decades ago…
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It was autumn, and my older brother Mike and I were having dinner with mom. Dad was due to come home later that evening after his golf game. We sat around our round kitchen table and talked casually about our day while eating our Kentucky Fried chicken dinner, and then mom said something to us that changed everything. She told us that dad would not be coming home tonight… or any night for that matter. She went on to say that they had decided to separate because things were not working out well between them. Mike immediately stood up from the table and bolted out the front door. My little 10 year old self felt a sense of relief. I was tired of the underlying tension in the house that they thought they hid so well. To this day, I am grateful they gave up trying to stay together “for the kids.”
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Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to say that being a child affected by divorce is easy. No way! But, being a young child and always bracing for the next impending storm robs you of a safe and secure childhood. I started breaking out in hives around the age of 5 because of internalized emotions, otherwise known as fear and insecurity. I wanted so badly to see my mother and father embrace each other, kiss, and show affection towards one another. I remember seeing them kiss once.
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I now openly share my perspective with others who are contemplating divorce. If there is no love in the home, what is the point? Don’t think staying together is doing your child any favors. Children need love. Children need love from their parents and love between their parents. It is all about L-O-V-E! Nothing can bring real security into a home except love. I also share with them my two rules on divorce that I came up with when I was 10 years old:
1. Don’t stay together for my sake. A child needs security and to see love and feel love within the home!
2. Anything negative you say to me about my other parent only makes you look bad. Stop right now!
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As Jennifer Weiner so elegantly states: “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage, and teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”
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