Earlier this week, I had to have a difficult conversation with someone I had hired to do some work for me. I didn’t feel like I was getting what I agreed to pay for and even though I really liked this contractor, I wasn’t going to settle for inferior work. To top that off, he thought he was done.
So let’s talk about how to manage a difficult conversation when there’s something that you need to talk about and there’s a lot of negative emotion involved. We all have times in our life when we dread these types of conversations, but there are strategies to manage them that make it easier.
So, some good news is……. You can take a difficult relationship (whether a business relationship or ones with family or friends) and make it not so difficult by just changing one person. You don’t have to change both people, and that is a good thing, because the only person you really can change is YOU.
Isn’t it fascinating that most of us have no idea how to communicate during a difficult conversation without there being some blaming, frustration, defensiveness, or justification. We have this primal need to be right, at all costs. We need to be right and yet our need to be right can cost us so much. If you really think about it, what does being right really get you? Nothing. It gets you indulgence. But, some of us chase after it because it gives us a sense of power. A FALSE sense of power.
Interestingly enough, our brains are programmed to do this. So it doesn’t mean we have a character flaw when we display this quality. I am sure you know a lot of people that think, they have to be right about everything. But, when you think about it… we usually aren’t too crazy about the people that always have to be right. I usually refer to them as “know-it-alls.” Yet, there’s nothing wrong with these types of people, because it is a built in trait, but not always the best tactic in difficult conversations.
But, let me let you in on a big secret…. the best way to find common ground within a difficult conversation is to give up your need to be right. No one has to be right and no one has to be wrong. Usually, no one wins in a difficult conversation anyway. Even if someone feels like they’re right, they usually walk away with a sense of disconnection and the person who was proven “wrong” feels like the loser in the relationship.
fIf you can remove the need to be right it immediately removes the need for defense. Without defense, there’s no need for offense, and the war is over. Removing defensiveness actually helps you get your point across in a smoother manner too.
Start the conversation by being willing to be wrong. Take a deep breath of peace. BTW, If you’re immediately getting defensive when I make this suggestion, you are one of those people that indulges in being right and it costs you a lot in your relationships. Now, if your response is, “But I am right,” which is what most people say, Who cares? Why do you care so much about being right? What is that giving you? All it is reinforcing is your need to be right and your need for them to be wrong. Give up your need to win.
A better strategy is:
Ask them to tell you their thoughts on the situation. Put yourself in their shoes and see it from their eyes. Keep an open mind and listen.
Simplify down to just the facts. Make the facts a common ground that you both agree on.
After looking at the facts, each person should have the opportunity to voice what their interpretation of the facts are.
Then FOCUS on the solution. Quit talking about the problem…. and quit criticizing.
Give up the need to be right and get the problem solved.
So let’s recap once again:
- Listen to the other person’s point of view on the situation.
- Simplify down to just the facts.
- Let each person voice what they are making the facts mean.
- NOW FOCUS ON THE SOLUTION!
- Give up the need to be right.
- Quit talking about the problem and just talk about possible solutions, quit criticizing, and find an agreeable solution that works for both of you.
I hope this helps you the next time you have to have a difficult conversation! If you haven’t learned anything else, I hope you at least take away from this blog post that by giving up your need to be right you will help diffuse the situation the next time you need to have a difficult conversation.
If you are interested in finding out more about Life Coaching, I offer a complimentary 30-minute mini-session so you can experience how Life Coaching can help you and you business. Just email me at: shelle@shellewinkler.com
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